Cabby

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

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The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

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The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

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The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"

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A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

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The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Advice

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

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The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

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The wife replies, "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

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"How does he drive you crazy?"

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"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

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The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

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"He keeps picking his nose all the time, even in public!"

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"Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further.

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The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he never lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

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"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

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So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.

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The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

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The husband looks shocked, "What? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

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The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

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The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

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"What did he say?"

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"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

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The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

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The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

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The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

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"Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

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The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

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"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "

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And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

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"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

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"What did he say?"

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The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said:

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"Don’t Ever Screw Up."

Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle never cruel or mean

He has a beautiful smile and keeps his face so clean.

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The perfect man likes children and will raise them by your side

He will be a good father as well as a good husband to his bride.

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The perfect man loves cooking cleaning and vacuuming too

He'll do anything in his power to convey his feelings of love to you.

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The perfect man is sweet writing poetry from your name

He's a best friend to your mother and kisses away your pain.

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He never has made you cry or hurt you in any way

To hell with this endless poem my perfect man is

GAY

Coincidence

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.

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He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I’m celebrating."

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"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I’m celebrating, too".

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She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

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"I’m a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile."

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"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

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"I switched cocks," he replied.

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"What a coincidence," she said.

Anchor

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

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"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

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"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

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"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

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"Throw out another anchor, sir."

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"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

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"Throw out another anchor, sir."

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"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

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"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

Penny Scales

One day a man and his wife were walking around the mall when they came across one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

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"Well," says his wife, "go ahead."

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He chuckles to himself and figures, why not? He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

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"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful, and an absolutely great lover!"

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"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong too!"

Zipper

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open.

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His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

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This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

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When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my Jaguar parked in there?"

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The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, sir, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires".

Calls

Ways to stop unwanted calls

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After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you

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Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her to give you their home phone number so you can call them back

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Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times

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Tell them it is dinner time, and ask if they would please hold

Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure

Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation

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Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child

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Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up

Louder! Louder!! Louder!!!

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Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down

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If they start out with, "How are you today?"

Say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have the following problems"

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Cry out in surprise, "Sonia, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?"

When they insist they are not Sonia, tell them to stop joking.

This works especially well if the telemarketer is really male

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Tell the agent to call on your office number

And then give him them a call center's number

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Happy Tackling !!

Coca Cola

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

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A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

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The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters.

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First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting.

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Second, the man is drinking our Cola.

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Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

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That should have worked wonders," said the friend.

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The salesman replied, "Wonders my ass, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left."

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(From Ali's treasure)

Hymns

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

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He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.”

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The pastor shouted out “CROSS.”

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Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,

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“THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”

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The pastor hollered out “GRACE.”

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The congregation began to sing

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“AMAZING GRACE, HOW SWEET THE SOUND.”

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The pastor said “POWER”

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The congregation sang

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“THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.”

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The Pastor said “SEX”

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The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

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Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, an 87-year-old great-grandmother stood up and began to sing

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“PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”

Present

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

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He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
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"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

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Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

Remember

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years were sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"

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He moved over and sat close to her.

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"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"

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He reached over and held her tight.

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"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

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With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

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"Where are you going?" she asked.

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"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

Santa Banta

Banta, "So, Santa, how's it going with the girls?

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Santa, ''Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."

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Banta, ''Really?"

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''Yes," Santa shaking his head, "Whenever I mention sex, they object."

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__________

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Santa, "Main kal bathroom ch susu karne gaya, te othe saanp seega."

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Banta, "Fir ke hoya?"

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Santa, "Main saanp nu keha, pehle tusi kar lo, mera te hogaya aae."

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Santa gun uthaye, shikaar k liye jaate jaate darwaaze pe ruk gaya.

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Preeto, "Kee hoya ji?"

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Santa, "Main Sher k shikaar karne jaa raha hoon."

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Preeto, "To jaate kiyon nahin?"

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Santa, "Kaise jaoon, bahar kutta khada hai!!"