Cabby

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

.

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

.

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"

.

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

.

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Advice

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

.

The wife replies, "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

.

"How does he drive you crazy?"

.

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

.

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

.

"He keeps picking his nose all the time, even in public!"

.

"Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further.

.

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he never lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

.

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

.

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.

.

The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

.

The husband looks shocked, "What? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

.

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

.

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

.

"What did he say?"

.

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

.

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

.

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

.

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

.

"Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

.

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

.

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "

.

And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

.

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

.

"What did he say?"

.

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said:

.

"Don’t Ever Screw Up."

Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle never cruel or mean

He has a beautiful smile and keeps his face so clean.

.

The perfect man likes children and will raise them by your side

He will be a good father as well as a good husband to his bride.

.

The perfect man loves cooking cleaning and vacuuming too

He'll do anything in his power to convey his feelings of love to you.

.

The perfect man is sweet writing poetry from your name

He's a best friend to your mother and kisses away your pain.

.

He never has made you cry or hurt you in any way

To hell with this endless poem my perfect man is

GAY

Coincidence

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.

.

He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I’m celebrating."

.

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I’m celebrating, too".

.

She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

.

"I’m a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile."

.

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

.

"What a coincidence," she said.

Anchor

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

.

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

.

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

.

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

.

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

Penny Scales

One day a man and his wife were walking around the mall when they came across one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

.

"Well," says his wife, "go ahead."

.

He chuckles to himself and figures, why not? He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful, and an absolutely great lover!"

.

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong too!"

Zipper

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open.

.

His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

.

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

.

When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my Jaguar parked in there?"

.

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, sir, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires".

Calls

Ways to stop unwanted calls

.

..

After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you

.

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her to give you their home phone number so you can call them back

.

Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times

.

Tell them it is dinner time, and ask if they would please hold

Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure

Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation

.

Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child

.

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up

Louder! Louder!! Louder!!!

.

Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down

.

If they start out with, "How are you today?"

Say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have the following problems"

.

Cry out in surprise, "Sonia, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?"

When they insist they are not Sonia, tell them to stop joking.

This works especially well if the telemarketer is really male

.

Tell the agent to call on your office number

And then give him them a call center's number

.

..

Happy Tackling !!

Coca Cola

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

.

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters.

.

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting.

.

Second, the man is drinking our Cola.

.

Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

.

That should have worked wonders," said the friend.

.

The salesman replied, "Wonders my ass, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left."

.

..

(From Ali's treasure)

Hymns

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

.

He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.”

.
The pastor shouted out “CROSS.”

.

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,

.

“THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”

.
The pastor hollered out “GRACE.”

.

The congregation began to sing

.

“AMAZING GRACE, HOW SWEET THE SOUND.”

.
The pastor said “POWER”

.

The congregation sang

.

“THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.”

.
The Pastor said “SEX”

.

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, an 87-year-old great-grandmother stood up and began to sing

.

“PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”

Present

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

.
Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

Remember

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years were sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"

.
He moved over and sat close to her.

.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"

.
He reached over and held her tight.

.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

.
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

.
"Where are you going?" she asked.

.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

Santa Banta

Banta, "So, Santa, how's it going with the girls?

.

Santa, ''Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."

.

Banta, ''Really?"

.

''Yes," Santa shaking his head, "Whenever I mention sex, they object."

.

..

__________

.

..

Santa, "Main kal bathroom ch susu karne gaya, te othe saanp seega."

.

Banta, "Fir ke hoya?"

.

Santa, "Main saanp nu keha, pehle tusi kar lo, mera te hogaya aae."

.

..

---------

.

..

Santa gun uthaye, shikaar k liye jaate jaate darwaaze pe ruk gaya.

.

Preeto, "Kee hoya ji?"

.

Santa, "Main Sher k shikaar karne jaa raha hoon."

.

Preeto, "To jaate kiyon nahin?"

.

Santa, "Kaise jaoon, bahar kutta khada hai!!"

Golf

A Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."

.

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6."

.

He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

.

She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14, you are on 13."

.

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished, he saw her in the clubhouse. He went upto her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.

.

She accepted.

.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

.

"I am in sales." she said.

.

He replied, "No kidding, so am I. What do you sell ?"

.

She said it is too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold, finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.

.

He promised.

.

She said, "I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins)" .

.

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

.

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper ..... I am still one hole behind you." !!!!

.

..

(Thanks Sarabjeet Ji for the forward)

Neighbor

A woman with a broken ankle was gingerly hobbling along on crutches as she attempted to walk her dog.

.

Because of her handicap, however, she was having a lot of trouble keeping the dog under control.

.

Finally, the dog lunged forward, the leash slipped out of her hand, and the dog went running down the street.

.

She called and called, but the dog wouldn't come back.

.

Since she couldn't chase after it, she eventually gave up and went home.

.

A couple of hours later she heard something scratching at the door.

.

When she went to the door she found her dog standing there with a dead rabbit in its mouth.

.

Upon closer inspection, she realized it was the neighbors' pet rabbit.

.

She knew she would never be able to tell them what happened, and since they were out of town for the weekend, she hit upon a plan.

.

She took the rabbit into the bathroom, washed it off, and blew its fur dry.

.

Then she took the rabbit back to the neighbors' backyard and put the rabbit back in its cage.

.

She thought the neighbors would discover the rabbit dead and think it died in the cage.

.

They would never suspect what really happened.

.

On Monday, there was a knock at the door, and when she answered, there was her neighbor standing there.

.

He asked her if she had seen anyone in their backyard over the weekend.

.

She said no.

.

He said, "Did you see anything strange going on around our house or yard?"

.

Again, she denied seeing anything suspicious.

.

She said, "Why are you asking me these questions? What happened?"

.

He said, "Well, something really strange is going on in my backyard.

.

On Friday our rabbit died, so we buried it in the backyard.

.

But when we came back from the weekend, it was back in the cage!"

Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."

.

Buddy didn't move.

.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull."

.

Buddy didn't respond.

.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull."

.

Nothing.

.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull."

.

And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.

.

He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Rabbit

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears:

.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron".

.

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron."

.

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog: "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

.

The frog replies: "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

.

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

.

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has played the best round of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

.

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

.

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

.

The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

.

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?"

.

The frog replies, "Ribbit.$3000, black 6."

.

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.Boom! Black 6! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

.

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

.

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

.

"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Onestone

There was this Indian named Onestone because he had only one testicle.

.

After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

.

The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more.

.

Then one day a young girl forgot and said,"Good morning Onestone."

.

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, where he raped her repeatedly all day and night, until she died from exhaustion.

.

The word got around that Onestone meant business.

.

A couple of years went by until a woman returned to the village after being away.

.

She was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said,"Good to see you Onestone."

.

Again, Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he raped her repeatedly all day and night, but she wouldn't die!

.

..

Any guesses why?

.

<>

<<>>

<<<>>>

.

Because

.

You can't kill two birds with one stone.

100%

Ever wonder what people mean when they say they are giving more than 100%?

.

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than a 100%.

.

"How about achieving 103%?"

.

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give more than a 100%?

.

Well, here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

.

If the letters of the alphabet

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V WX Y Z

were represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 2122 23 24 25 26

.

Then

H - A - R - D - - W - O - R - K

Would be:

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

.

K - N - O - W - L - E - D - G - E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

.

A - T - T - I - T - U - D - E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

.

However:

B - U - L - L - S - H - I - T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

.

Now look how far ass kissing will take you:

A - S - S - - K - I - S - S - I - N - G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%.

.

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

.

While, hard work and knowledge will get you close, its attitude will get you there.

But 'Bullshit' & 'Ass Kissing' are the ones that will put you over the top!

Cold

Last week was the coldest till date.

I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Dancing

A "modern" thai couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their monk for counseling.

The monk asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's tradition in our village that thai men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the monk. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the monk, "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the monk, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Monk.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the monk. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed."

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the monk.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."

Braggarts

Four doctors, a Brit, a German, a Russian and an American, were all bragging about the progress their profession has made in their respective countries.

The British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

The German brags, "That's nothing; we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

Then Russian doctor boasts, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another - and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor informs them matter-of-factly, "You know, I think you guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House - and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for war!"